It has been a month now since Emily passed away. My memory is still full of her life. I am still seeing her sitting, sleeping on the Sofa, laying on bed, slowly walking up stairs. On the other hand, I don't want to talk much about Emily. Each time I talked, it would make me sad and make me cry. I really hope that time can roll back to the college days, or to the days when Audrey was just born. Qiyun were so nice, I could never forget.

I was feeling sad; I also felt defeated.  Not only Emily lost her battle to cancer; I am also another loser. I have tried very hard to help Emily on this battle, but we lost. Because Emily and I did not tell other people about her illness. The only people knew about her disease were living quite far away, like Emily's mom or my brother. So Emily and I like two person team working together against this disease. Now one person is gone. I am the only person left to face the defeat.

Purpose of life

I was reading recent Reader Digest. One article talked about Dalai Lama. Dalai Lama was asked what was the purpose of life. Dalai Lama said it is for happiness. Then he said happiness is too simple an answer. The more complex answer is about how to pursue happiness.

Emily went to see doctor Felice on Nov. 4, 2014. Doctor Felice saw that she was getting worse and had lots of pain on her tummy. He asked Emily why she did not do the procedure to remove fluid from her tummy. Emily said the place to remove the fluid was not where her pain was. Dr. Felice then explained that the fluid is in many areas. The doctor was trying to find a spot where it was easy to put a needle and do the procedure. Dr. Felice thought it was better for Emily to stay in the hospital so that he had better control. Like in the case, if he knew why Emily did not like the procedure. He could explain quickly. Emily agreed and she was placed in the hospital that afternoon. I stayed in the hospital until 7 PM. The doctor gave her some pain medicine and did the blood transfusion so that she could have enough platelet for the procedure. I went to see her next day in the morning. She said she did not have much sleep because the nurses kept coming in and out. She was not allowed to eat or drink because of the procedure. But she was so thirsty. The nurse gave her some warm water. She then complained about the water not hot enough. So I went out and got some hot water for her. I could stay longer. But she insisted for me to leave. So I left and promised to come back during lunch.

Emily texted me at around 11:30 to see if I would come for lunch. I told her yes right away and told her that I could grep something on my way there and if she would like me to get something for her too. She did not reply. So I got today's special from downstairs deli, which is chipolata.  It took me a while to find parking spot when I got there. When I got to the room, it was already 12:30.  I asked Emily if should like to eat some chipolata. She said I should have known that I did not like Chipolata. Instead,she ordered a taco from the hospital. After order, she got a phone call from Jack Zhou. Instead of listening to her phone call, I decided to go out to make a call to Vinod's friend Amuthan. Amuthan's nephew has stage 4 cancer and was able to be treated in Johns Hopkins Hospital. I talked to Amuthan. What I found is Amuthan's nephew has stage 4a lymphoma cancer spread to lung. In Johns Hopkins they did the bone marrow transplant. He said there was only 25% chance of success. And they were lucky to be the 25%. Amuthan mentioned Johns Hopkins is the only place that can do marrow transplant with 100% match.  So his nephew used his father's marrow for transplant and was able to get rid of the cancer.

After the phone call, I went back to Emily's room. Emily was angry about why I left the room. She said she was quite itch and wanted someone to help her clean. So I helped her clean. After that, we waited for her lunch to arrive. What that arrived, I helped her to eat. She would mad at me again telling me that she was not handicap and helping her would make her feel bad. I don't know what to say.  In the last 5 or 10 years, she had been yelling at me for no particular reason frequently. She would be nice to friends. I don't know why she could not treat me as friend. Am I really that incapable? Sometime, I blame this on her iron deficiency which could cause moody. But why she could be nice to her friend.  If she is my boss or my friend, I would leave right away and won't bother again as I dealt with Aman from my working days with Openwave. But this is my family which I cannot leave behind.  Now, looking back, I don't know if it might be better if I leave longtime ago so that Emily won't have that much anger or hate. Will she be better if she marry someone else and without so much suffering now?  

It seems getting harder and harder. I called Reston hospital Oncologist office and talked to Linda which is an assistant physician with Dr. Felice on Oct. 29 2014.  She told me that the pet scan on July 18 was good. But the pet scan on Sept. 23, showed the tumor had spread to lung. The tumor could produce fluid, which may cause cough. The biggest one has size of about 1cm. She also mentioned some tumors are on the bones which are use to produce blood. The liver tumor may also damage liver function based on Emily's yellow skin. That is very bad news. What should I do? Ask for second opinion. Emily doesn't like that idea.

On Friday, Oct. 31, the day after blood transfusion, Emily is able to do the therapy.  On Friday, she seems OK. But Saturday, she was complaining about joint and hip pain, which won't go away. Her coughing was reduced a little on Saturday night. But she is still complaining about stomach is too full. What can we do?

Another difficult day

It is almost 1 year and 4 month since Emily got stage 4 cancer. First 6 months, the doctor gave her Taxol, the side effect was bad, like losing hair, felt tired. But after 6 months, the pet scan showed tumors were reducing. Then the doctor changed to Tamoxifen, a hormonal blocking medicine for pre-menopause  woman since Emily is Er+. After three months, one night Emily was complaining about painful Elbow. I was sleeping and heard someone crying. I thought it was Audrey and got up and found out that Emily was downstairs crying. She did not want me to touch her elbow or anywhere. After taking some pain medicine, she was able to fell asleep. The next day, Audrey was late and missed the bus. So I have to take Austin to school first and then drove Audrey to TJ. After that I came back and took Emily to see Doctor Fernice. The doctor recommended to do another Pet scan. But Emily was afraid too much radiation. But eventually agreed to do it the next week. The scan showed the tumor had spread to liver, and more showed on the bone. So the hormonal  medicine did not work for Emily. The doctor decided to change to another chemo Adriamycin. This time the side effect is less. Also on April this year, Emily changed job to work for IRS and was able to work 4 days a week and three days are from home.

 Last week, she was complaining tired and had fever. I asked her how she felt. She did not want to talk to me. Today, I took Austin to a birthday party and came home at around 5 PM. Emily and Audrey were not home. They were going shopping.  I didn't know what they wanted to eat. So I waited and ran outside for a little bit. They were still not home. I cooked the rice and washed some vegetable. And they came home with some food they bought from Korean store. So I spent sometime to process and store the food. Then Emily came out. I asked what she wanted to eat. She was angry and said she was expected to eat. I told her I could cut out the roast chicken and we could start eating and she started cooking cauliflower and fry egg and remained angry. I did not know what to do.

I haven't been happy for a long time. I know if I want to be happy, I probably have to leave and stay somewhere. But I cannot do that, because Emily and Austin are both sick. I think they need me.  But no matter how hard I try, I won't be appreciated and I am still miserable. I really hope to find some direction.

I really hope there were a better day

     It was April 11, 2013. Emily and I went to see a doctor in Reston Hospital. The oncology surgery doctor told us that Emily has stage 4 breast cancer which is not curable. Surgery is not an option. Surgery just doesn't help.

Last night, we got a phone call late in the evening. We were all preparing for sleeping. I picked up the phone. It was a Chinese lady who was trying to sale Dish Network TV service. I told her in Chinese "对不起, 现在很晚, 我们要睡觉了" and then I hang up the phone. Basically, translating into English it meant "Excuse us, it is too late, we need to go to sleep". 对不起 could meant " excuse us or sorry. Then I heard my wife told my kids something like "He was silly to say sorry". Audrey did not say anything. I hope the kids know what is called polite.