Another difficult day

It is almost 1 year and 4 month since Emily got stage 4 cancer. First 6 months, the doctor gave her Taxol, the side effect was bad, like losing hair, felt tired. But after 6 months, the pet scan showed tumors were reducing. Then the doctor changed to Tamoxifen, a hormonal blocking medicine for pre-menopause  woman since Emily is Er+. After three months, one night Emily was complaining about painful Elbow. I was sleeping and heard someone crying. I thought it was Audrey and got up and found out that Emily was downstairs crying. She did not want me to touch her elbow or anywhere. After taking some pain medicine, she was able to fell asleep. The next day, Audrey was late and missed the bus. So I have to take Austin to school first and then drove Audrey to TJ. After that I came back and took Emily to see Doctor Fernice. The doctor recommended to do another Pet scan. But Emily was afraid too much radiation. But eventually agreed to do it the next week. The scan showed the tumor had spread to liver, and more showed on the bone. So the hormonal  medicine did not work for Emily. The doctor decided to change to another chemo Adriamycin. This time the side effect is less. Also on April this year, Emily changed job to work for IRS and was able to work 4 days a week and three days are from home.

 Last week, she was complaining tired and had fever. I asked her how she felt. She did not want to talk to me. Today, I took Austin to a birthday party and came home at around 5 PM. Emily and Audrey were not home. They were going shopping.  I didn't know what they wanted to eat. So I waited and ran outside for a little bit. They were still not home. I cooked the rice and washed some vegetable. And they came home with some food they bought from Korean store. So I spent sometime to process and store the food. Then Emily came out. I asked what she wanted to eat. She was angry and said she was expected to eat. I told her I could cut out the roast chicken and we could start eating and she started cooking cauliflower and fry egg and remained angry. I did not know what to do.

I haven't been happy for a long time. I know if I want to be happy, I probably have to leave and stay somewhere. But I cannot do that, because Emily and Austin are both sick. I think they need me.  But no matter how hard I try, I won't be appreciated and I am still miserable. I really hope to find some direction.